Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
