It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
