omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
