I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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