if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
