First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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