the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
my shit smells like andre
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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