I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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