Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
