this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
