I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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