I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
