I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize