I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
