Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
