I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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