you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
