Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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