i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
