Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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