I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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