To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
