dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize