When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize