I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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