You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
