My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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