im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
