I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I stole a fireplace last night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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