You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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