Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize