I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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