could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
