Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
