i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
