hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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