dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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