do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
