There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
