: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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