dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
