I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
