this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize