please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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