The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize