I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
