I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
