there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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