I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
