They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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