I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
