he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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