I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
