You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
