32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
