Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
