just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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