mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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