My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
