i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Randomize
